I finally felt like I gained a good relationship and understanding with my daughter, but I still get frustrated. And sometimes I feel jealous because I wish I could go out and do the things I want to at the drop of a hat, or that I could do the hobbies and things I used to all the time and I feel guilty after wishing that because I should be here for my daughter.
I finally awoke after 2 hours I was in so much pain and so groggy that I was not able to fully register that my son had been born. However, I quickly realized there is not much support at the hospital after you deliver to help you rest.
I was in pain, and my baby was having latch issues so some frustration brewed from that. However, the icing on the cake was when my partner went back to work a couple days after I came home from the hospital. I don't know why, but I felt totally and completely abandoned and helpless.
I grew to resent him. This little stranger came into my life (although completely planned) and changed everything. I felt "stuck." I knew that getting a divorce would now be much harder to do. I felt like a bad mother for bringing him into the world at this point in my life.
I had expected a normal pregnancy, with the feeling of labor, contractions, holding my son, and leaving for home together. What I got was the exact opposite of what I wanted and expected, and caused me to experience such intense feelings of guilt, failure, and helplessness, that it surprised me to connect a new baby with such raw feelings.
The next morning doctor came in to check my progress, only to feel a foot. A FOOT, are you kidding me!!! She flipped in the evening and was now breech. Doctor and I looked at each other and almost at the same time said, "Well did we really expect the delivery to be a smooth one...."
A few months later on my daughter's first birthday I was taken in and told I was bipolar on top of depression. I got a call from CPS in the hospital - they were taking my daughter from me even though I got help. I didn't understand anything.
My message to all mamas who are struggling is this, find your community! Reach out every day. We were not meant to do this alone, we need a village! The saying goes “It takes a village to raise a child” but I disagree. It takes a whole, healthy mother to raise a child. It takes a village to support her growth.
Hey mamas! I'm Katie. When you hit "submit" your story comes directly to me. I read each and every submission and will respond personally once your story is live on the site. I have been in birth work for 10 years and nothing has been more humbling than reading your words and holding this space.
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