After crying and begging my husband to just let me die, we found some help and that was a behavioral health hospital.

My Story: My postpartum depression didn't hit me until about 6 weeks after giving birth. It was a long labor. Induced with pitocin, epidural, the whole 9 yards. Almost 30 hours later, I failed to progress at 9.5cm. Thank goodness, c-section here I come. I couldn't push if I had to, I was too exhausted. 

He was a little guy, 6.1 pounds. Would not latch on and spent most of our 5 days in the nursery. He was jaundiced and losing weight because he wasn't getting enough to eat.

Home life: I rented a double pump and pumped continuously around the clock. When he slept, I pumped and when I should have slept, it was time to feed him. I was a zombie. Insomnia had set it. 

I cried while pumping because I was exhausted. I wanted to be super mom. Eventually I stopped eating as I was becoming depressed. Then the scary thought s started to come. I wanted to die. I wanted to give our baby up for adoption, we had made a huge mistake. Of course my husband thought I was crazy and didn't know what was happening to me. I didn't know what was happening to me. I had never really heard of PPD. 

I went to a doctor who put me on medication, which only made it worse. Several different ones and I wasn't getting any better. I was full of anxiety and wanted nothing to do with our son.

After crying and begging my husband to just let me die, we found some help and that was a behavioral health hospital, aka "looney bin." I laugh now, because I can. Seriously, it was a very sad place where people go to try to get on the right medication under supervision. I was on so many medications I couldn't even remember what I had just said.

30 days later, I started to feel better. They released me on the condition that I had a support system in place and there were no weapons in the house. Yes, I had just had a baby and was now in a living hell.

I don't wish this terrible disease on anyone. I was lucky and recognized that I wasn't right and got help. 

It's been many years later and I just have the one child. Was too afraid to go through that again, so I didn't. If anyone tries to make you feel bad about breastfeeding feeding or anything else, please get them out of your circle. It's hard enough being a new parent and listening to others negative opinions about what you should and shouldn't be doing only makes it worse. I'm a happy mom now and love my son more than anything I could ever have imagined .


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