My Story: Lindsey Stephens

My Story: I'm scared of many things. I'm an anxious person and I was very much afraid of giving birth. People were quick to assume that I would have a csection and was incapable of birthing my son because I was a small, and he was measuring a bit big. 

He turned out to be 8 pounds and 13 ounces, 21 1/2 inches long. I successfully birthed him and only required a single stitch. I was so surprised when I felt him coming out. I couldn't believe I had done it. 

In the hospital, I had a hard time connecting the baby in my arms to the baby I had been carrying in my womb. I didnt have a rush of emotion right away. I think I was nervous and overwhelmed and exhausted. I was excited, though, and utterly grateful to be done with pregnancy. I fucking hate being pregnant. 

He was soft and squishy and he breastfed like a champ without a single issue. I slept a little in the hospital, and when we got home, I did not sleep for 3 days. I was wired and obsessed with watching his chest rise and fall. I didn't put him down. He stayed on my chest or my husband's. I marveled at him. I was scared of him, scared of everything. Those days were a blur. My breasts hurt and I didn't wear a shirt at all. I dripped milk everywhere and left it. My butt felt like it was going to fall out from the monstrous hemroids. I was pale and tired and starving all the time. I washed my hands so much that they peeled a little. 

At about 4 in the morning on one of those first few days, I looked at my son's precious sleeping face, content and full of my milk, and I realized how in love I was. It hit my hurt like a ton of bricks. It was painful and heavy. I wept for a long time.

I felt weak and powerful all at once. I birthed him. I did it. And I was feeding him with my body.

And my love for him was like nothing I had ever felt.

That first week, I honestly thought I was going to die. 7 months later, I still feel like I may die from lack of sleep sometimes. But oh my god is he worth it.

Lindsey Stephens | Arkansas | Mama to Waylon, 7 months

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Posted on September 17, 2015 and filed under Postpartum Stories.