I got married young, at 20. I always felt as though I was naturally maternal and couldn't wait to become a mom. We started trying to get pregnant soon after we got married and it took longer than expected, probably due to being stationed apart (we're both military). Of course when I stopped fixating on it, it happened. I couldn't have been happier to see those two pink lines.
My pregnancy flew by yet took forever at the same time. My daughter came at 39 weeks 5 days after just 12 hours of labor and about 10 minutes of pushing. She was 6lbs 13oz of perfection.
I had my first breakdown about 24 hours after she was born.
"She was so perfect and I didn't want to do anything to mess it up. If I lost her, I'd be lost." I was told my feelings were normal and that it'd be just fine.
Then we got discharged and went home, the tears didn't stop though.
Every night I'd cry for about an hour for one reason or another. She was either too good for me or too difficult for me. My mom went back home and my husband back to work and I was terrified to be alone with her. She just wanted to be held and walked around and because I wasn't the best pusher I had some stitches and other healing that needed to be catered to that made being a mom difficult.
To top it off, becoming a mother has caused me to really self-evaluate:
-I love sleep and dislike anything or anyone that disrupts said sleep.
-I'm very hardheaded. It's my way or the highway.
-Because of the above statement, I'm impatient.
-I'm a perfectionist.
-I also am selfish.
None of these traits are what I pictured as a "good mother" and because of this I was fighting (and still am) everyday to do what's best for my baby.
It took me about 8 weeks to adjust to being a mother. I know now I'm not a bad mother. I'm doing my best and my daughter shows me in her little ways each day that she loves me just the way I am. She's 4 months old now and even though I love her with my heart there are still days I want to take a vacation and get away from the crying, the drool, the diapers, the nursing bras, and being a human pacifier.
But that's okay. Some women may adore being around their little one 24/7/365 but I am not one of those women. But acknowledging that is what makes ME a better mother.
Amanda Cabrera | United States | Mama to Anastasia Grace, 4 months