My Story: Amanda Harmon

#PostpartumConfession | My Story: Amanda Harmon #stillbirth #birthstory #rainbowbaby

I'm sharing my story because I'm hoping it will help someone else. 

My first son was born at 25-ish weeks gestation from a cord accident that may or may not have been caused by too much fluid being taken out during an amniocentesis test.

It was literal hell.

I delivered him naturally and I'm trying to come with terms dealing with the fact that I did not hold him before he was taken away (body was donated to science) and I'm not sure I ever will.

I'm lucky in the fact that I had the most incredible OBGYN. I had an IUD put in for about 5 months and decided to try to conceive again. She was on board with everything. We agreed that I be induced at 40 weeks to the day.. I didn't want another accident. Never drank, took a trip to Paris and avoided cheese, no sushi and stopped dying my hair (ha! I know)

Fast forward 9 months (exactly!) and I have my time/day to go in. Things go OK for a few hours and I'm coming along nicely.. the pain starts to get bad and I ask for the epidural.. call him in, get it set, but shit.. it won't go in.. let's try again.. um.. this *may or *may not* work. I'm tough.. I can do this as I get up to pee and vomit all over myself.

Fast forward 10 hours - yes, that's not an exaggeration. I was too far too leave and not far enough to give birth. Finally.. time to push.. nothing exciting there, just couldn't feel my legs.

My son is born at 9lbs 10oz. BUT WAIT! Something has come out with him? What's that? It's my goddamn uterus. Blood everywhere, and this is where I basically black out. My OB is on top of me PUSHING IT BACK IN screaming "stay with the baby I've got her" as she's wheeling me out. 

I was headed to an operating room when she got it back in and the bleeding stopped. A few hours later that bonding moment with my guy that I waited for was a dud. No milk.. wouldn't latch and had jaundice. We stayed for 3 days to deal with it all.

Milk never came in. Daily fights with his dad about it.. pumping less than 1oz a day. Never gave up until little dude got a UTI that put him in the hospital.. where he almost lost his hand to an infiltrated IV.

I dealt with colic, a milk allergy and loads of other stuff.. I can honestly say even after 2 years I was a mess. I'm not sure how either of us made it.

He's now 8.. with ADHD (could have seen it from 3) and just a great kid. Would I do it all again. Hell no. I love my kid but NO WAY IN HELL. I can tell you it gets better, but I live with my heart outside of my body. He is everything and I don't want to share it, even with another everything ;)

If you read this and it gives you some hope.. I'm glad. It can be worse.. it can be better.. but own it.. get help if you need it and never ever be afraid to tell someone.

Amanda Harmon | Pennsylvania | Mama to Ollie, 8