My Story: Seven years after our last born, I became pregnant again with our fourth and I was over the moon happy. I had waited far too long to add to and complete our family. The pregnancy was rough but nothing mattered because I was finally able to have our last baby!
Then he came. The love I felt for him was overwhelming and amazing. But it was a rough start. He had to spend three days in special care, and because I had to have an emergency c section, it was 24 hours before I even saw him. I had also never had a section before so I was in a different type of pain than i was used to.
Because of the time it took to get me to see him, they had to bottle feed him. I pumped in my room but nothing would come out, yet my breasts were so engorged I wanted to cry or pop them, or both!
Then I had limited time I could spend with him and it broke my heart to be away from him and not see him anytime I wanted.
All that did end though and we were finally allowed to go home. I thought I would be happy! My whole family together.
But just hours after I walked in the door I was over come with panic. The house was a mess. The baby wouldn't eat or sleep. The older three had school so there was homework and showers. I ran a fever for a month after my c section, every night at the same time. I just felt like my usual every day life, pre baby, was falling apart before my eyes. One little problem at a time.
I felt numb after a while. That scared me. I wasn't angry. Sad.. Happy. Crazy. Nothing. I never experienced feeling nothing before. Every day was the same. Nothing made me feel. My husband tried but nothing could snap me out of it. I looked at my beautiful children and knew I loved them more than life. But I couldn't feel it. Who was I? What was happening to me? Will I ever feel anything again?
I went three weeks of just sitting on my couch, sleeping on my couch and doing all I've done before, only it was in a zombie like robotic state. I didn't even know if I wanted to live anymore because life wasn't worth living if you couldn't feel anything.
Baby number four -- a blessing of course, also turned out to be the hardest labor and delivery ever. I felt so empty, except of course for my engorged breasts that wouldn't stop!
Today my youngest is 16 months old. I am on depression meds that I started about a month after my son was born. I can feel again! But I still do struggle with anxiety that I never suffered from until I had my last baby.
He is the happiest, silliest baby and is loved by every one of us, and the fact that I can feeeel all of this, that is amazing.
I thought I was crazy. Alone. I was terrified I would never go back to normal. Technically I didn't . I am so not the woman I was before baby number four. But I am complete. So through all the struggles and changes, I can now embrace the new me.
Carissa Jones | Oriskany, NY | Mama to Alexandra - 13, Julianna - 10, Vincent - 8, and Zachary - 16 months