My Story: I found out I was pregnant with my daughter in January, just as I was beginning another semester of college. I recently (2 years ago) went through a terrible divorce that still to this day requires court action and lawyers regarding my first son. My marriage to my ex-husband was extremely abusive, and even after the birth of my son I felt extremely depressed and alone. The only thing that got me out of bed was my son.
I felt that my postpartum experience with him was an empty and dark place in my life, even though at the same time I was in love with being a mother.
Then finding out I was pregnant again, I felt excited but terrified that the same thing would happen again. In my mind, my children would never ruin my relationships, but bring to light the weakness of the men I was with. Within a few weeks, I was plagued with severe nausea, enough to be hospitalized for dehydration and weight loss. The pregnancy continued to be difficult, with more trips to the hospital and many more breakdowns. But I was beyond happy that my little girl would be coming.
She ended up arriving almost a month early, at 36 weeks. I had her two hours after I arrived at the hospital, and completely natural, (even though I begged for drugs). Although technically a preemie, she weighed 6lbs3oz ,19 inches long, and was absolutely gorgeous.
It was within the first day that I did feel a little....wonky. We had many visitors but I hated for anyone but me to hold her. After a couple days we finally got to go home, and my resentment started towards my partner. Nothing he did was good enough. I felt like he was messing up every thing, and wasn't prepared despite months of discussions, reminding and arguments. Still being on my maternity leave, I still feel this way often. It's almost as if nothing or no one is good enough for her, including myself. I find myself crying for no reason, wanting to only be with my babies. Sometimes I dream of running away, but fear I won't be able to make it. The only relief is knowing I'm not alone.
Erinn Clark | Hawaii | Mama to Jack, 3 and Moana, 3 Weeks. Connect with Erin on her Instagram page.