My Story: How will postpartum depression affect me this time around?

#PostpartumConfession | My Story: How will postpartum depression affect me this time around? #PPD #pregnancy #twins #postpartumdepression

Here we are in the final stretch of this pregnancy and I can only seem to think about one thing.

Not how delivery will go.

Not what will the twins be like.

Not any breastfeeding concerns. 

But rather, when and how will postpartum depression affect me this time around?

I already have antepartum depression, and I had PPD after my 3rd and 4th. My doctors tell me to brace myself and prepare for what's coming. I want to avoid the situation entirely!

Those feelings of drowning, hopelessness, anxiety, sorrow, failure, anger, confusion, exhaustion, and loneliness are not welcome here, but yet they always find a way to take over my body after birth.

People tell me "You will be fine. Your body knows what it is doing." If my body knows what it is doing, then why do these intense feelings towards my child I grew inside me feel so foreign? People ask me, "How can you feel lonely when you are surrounded by love?" It's simple- I don't know. Maybe it's another psychological flaw? I see the love around me, but for some reason my tormented mind doesn't allow me to feel it. 

So for all the expecting mothers, new mothers, or even seasoned mothers - I get you. APD and PPD are frowned upon, and women will rarely admit to them. But they are real, terrifying, and need to be discussed. 

Hi my name is Erin, mother of soon to be 6 kids, and I have antepartum depression and I am awaiting my sentencing of postpartum depression. Love me, support me - I will survive.

Erin | Mama to 6 - ages 7, 5.5, 4, and 2.5 years + twins due in 4 weeks - final tally 5 sons, 1 daughter