My Story: I desperately want alone time, yet I feel so utterly lonely all day long.

#PostpartumConfession | My Story: I Desperately Want Alone Time, Yet I Feel So Lonely #motherhood #parenting #birth

I feel trapped. Alone. Depressed. I have tried to let my husband see glimpses of my depression, but they go unnoticed. I've even said *not so* jokingly that I need some medication. He didn't listen. He is getting a doctorate degree as well as a masters degree, as well as working part time. Long story short, he's gone about 12 1/2 hours a day minimum. 

I love my 7 month old baby girl, but she never sleeps, and it's taking its toll. Since she's been born she hasn't napped longer than 30 minutes. I tell people that she's not a fan of naps, and they laugh. I cry. It's not worth it to fight with her for 40 minutes for her to only finally take a 10 minute nap. Tired doesn't even begin to describe it. 

I have numerous family members nearby, but they don't offer to help. They're happy if I stop by, but never invite us over or offer to babysit. My husband and I have been on 2 dates since my daughters been born. It's really wearing on our relationship. I haven't had more than an hour of alone time since my daughters been born. I'm not sleeping well because sometimes when she's finally asleep (for a 30 minute stretch) and my husband is asleep I can finally bask in the quiet and be alone in the quiet. 

It's funny because I desperately want alone time, yet I feel so utterly lonely all day long. I've never been good at making friends and now that I have a baby it is even harder. 

Just venting my feelings into the vast faceless internet is making me feel better somehow. Less lonely. Less depressed. Less trapped. 

Reading other stories of mommies who feel the same thing is oddly comforting. I guess what they say is true: misery does love company. To me, however, it is more the fact that I know I am not the only one failing. I'm not the only one who doesn't love motherhood 100% of the time. I'm simply not alone.