My Story: I didn't fall in love when he was handed to me

Free Postpartum Guide!


Get my free guide with tips to make your postpartum time smooth and easy!

Don't worry. Your email is safe with me. Powered by ConvertKit

I'll be honest: it wasn't sadness I felt after my little man was born, it was apathy.

He is 6 now and I've carried this guilt with me the whole time. I was glad he was out of my body. I wanted to take a deep breath again, to walk normally - to be myself again. 

After 3 days of labor, when he was born, I just wanted my space again. As a lifelong introvert, I just wanted the doctors, nurses, family and friends (and yes - even my baby - to go away for a while and let me have some me time. 

I didn't try very hard to breastfeed. I was ambivalent when help was offered, too. When given the option for my little man to go to the nursery to sleep or sleep in my room - I chose the nursery. I wheeled him over, knocked on the door and said "I'd like to return this please", thinking I was being pretty funny.

The nurse wasn't amused.

His dad isn't a part of his life. I drove the two of us home, and when we got there, I settled him in and went about doing things around the house that needed to be done. I did try to breastfeed and pump but it was always supplemented by formula. 

When I look back, I'm just so sad that his birth wasn't more miraculous to me.

I didn't fall in love when he was handed to me. Why didn't I want to spend every second soaking in his baby feet and fingers? Why wasn't I intrinsically determined to conquer the breastfeeding thing? 

It's especially hard to recover those memories now, given that he is my entire world. I don't know when it shifted, certainly within a few months, but I adore this little man more than life itself. So why didn't I feel that way immediately?

Thank you for this outlet to share my story. I've kept it locked away because I feel so much shame associated with it.