My Story: I never wanted to hurt my son but I considered leaving him all the time.

My Story: My husband and I married in 2007 and got pregnant a year later. Our crazy sweet little Ethan came along in 2009. I was disconnected from day one. I knew how to take care of him but it didn't feel like everyone told me it was supposed to feel. I loved him but it didn't make me cry and it wasn't exciting. I remember being alone the whole time in the hospital because my husband had to work. We were paycheck to paycheck and still getting government assistance. It was so stressful to be home alone all day with Ethan and trying to get all the house work done and care for him with zero energy or motivation.

I felt so inadequate.
Postpartum Confession: My Story: I never wanted to hurt my son but I considered leaving him all the time. #postpartumconfession #takebackpostpartum #onlinedating

I remember my mother in law talking about how she kept the house spotless and cooked from scratch with three kids...and I couldn't understand why I couldn't do it with one. On top of that, our marriage was on the rocks. My husband cheated online with someone. He was going to school at the time too so we had zero connection time. He spent time with Ethan and hit the books as soon as he was in bed. I never wanted to hurt my son but I considered leaving him all the time. Just packing and disappearing. I was so lonely and I remember feeling like I wanted to die. I lied to the doctor when he asked if I was ok. I knew I wasn't. I knew if I could find an easy non messy way to kill myself I would. I knew I couldn't tell anyone because I was so sure they would take my baby from me. I just allowed everything to get out of control. 

I met several men online, catfished them, and had online affairs over several years. I was just hiding my misery. The love they showed "me" helped for a little while then I would stop talking to them. I would "die". I met a guy in 2011 and did the same thing to him. The guys before just let things go. This guy was different. This guy wanted answers. So I weaved another lie but it included parts of my real life and my son. It just excluded my husband. We became so close. He was my best friend. I knew I couldn't keep up the lie forever and I felt so bad about it. Little did I know, because I was unwilling to ask for help, God was using him to get me out. He discovered everything in July of 2013. It was like a weight off me. I told my husband and it was the worst day of my life wondering if he was going to walk out. 

My husband stayed and we have rebuilt our life. I found help and we found a great Bible based church and we have a better marriage than I could have every imagined. We just had out second child 8 months ago. I had some postpartum blues this time but my support was ready before it slipped further. 

My life is great. I have two wonderful babies and a husband who is my best friend. I have a great church family and some great friends. I work at an amazing job and have found the me I never had before.

Anonymous | Kansas City, Missouri

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