My Story: I survived postpartum psychosis.

My Story: I survived postpartum psychosis.

A little prelude: My middle child was born a week late. The labor was difficult to say the least. The midwife was cold and unsympathetic and despite my pleas for no drugs, they asked my mother to put the gas over my face and hold me down while they forced an iv in my arm. Kicking and screaming my labor was hell. I had a cervical lip, 1 cm, and was made to not push for two solid hours. 


Shortly after she was born I felt something was wrong with me, but couldn't figure out what it was. I felt like I was in a fog, I couldn't think of anything except what happened to me, and when I tried to talk about it with my mother she told me to "get over it". Things started getting really bad, I was still bleeding postpartum and as I bled I felt disgusted in myself and the blood was death. 


On one particular night I started getting really bad cramps and sitting on the toilet I passed a massive clot (sorry if this is graphic) and I felt a wash of cold over my body, my heart started pounding in my chest, and I was having difficulty catching my breath. I tried to gain some comfort from my partner who ignored me, I felt like I was dying.

I tried to take comfort with my baby but as I held her, though her eyes were open, I saw she wasn't breathing (she was breathing but I hallucinated this). I freaked and screamed for my partner to help, she wasn't breathing. He came over and yelled at me, called me crazy and said she was fine.

A few days passed and I eventually had another panic attack, and this time it induced a hallucination of believing something was coming out of my vagina. I was scared I honestly believed there was something up there, and I panicked to the point that I called an ambulance for myself to the hospital. 


At the hospital I was examined by a doctor who said there was nothing there, they said they might have felt a cyst but couldn't be sure and sent me home.I didn't tell them that after the fact I realized that I had hallucinated it.


After many more panic attacks I started to look up on the net what I might be experiencing. I found information on birth rape, postpartum psychosis, PTSD, and how to manage my panic attacks. Time has gone by and although I am in no way perfect I have come a long way.

Anonymous


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