My Story: I want to be the best version of myself

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I hate feeling this way. This wave of sadness that lingers in the corner of mind for days on end. I want to be the best version of myself for my 6 month old son, but I'm struggling. I feel so guilty. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful healthy boy.... and yet I feel so lonely. 

My son was a surprise. I had gotten an IUD placed after having a miscarriage many years ago hoping it would buy me time till I was ready to have a baby. So when I found out I was pregnant I was scared and nervous I would end up having another miscarriage, but thankful I was able to remove the IUD early on in the pregnancy without hurting my baby. 

My pregnancy had its share of grief when it came to my older sisters taking the news so horribly that left me in tears for the entire 2 hour dinner. My mother had died when I was young and my sisters were my surrogate mothers. However, I was now well in my early 30's and had very well for myself professionally and academically. As for my future husband had always been kind to them and was also a well established professional. I felt the best thing to do for me to have a healthy pregnancy was to keep my distance from my sisters. My father, who tried to be there for me during this time made the mistake in telling me that my sisters felt that I wasn't going to be a good mother.

I could have never imagined how much that belief would haunt me when my son was born. 

My son was born after being in labor for 45 hours and having to go in for an emergency C section. Due to having a fibroid I had a classical c section done. My husband did the initial skin to skin bonding with our son and when I finally awoke after 2 hours I was in so much pain and so groggy that I was not able to fully register that my son had been born. 

However, I quickly realized there is not much support at the hospital after you deliver to help you rest.

The experience of having the nurses coming in all hours and often waking up my son when I had just put him down was horrible. The three days "recovering" in the hospital I only slept 5 hours. Breastfeeding was an emotional experience that for a month I wanted to give up EVERY SINGLE day. It was weighing on me trying to recover physically and having my son crying every time he breastfeed was making me feel that maybe I was not cut out to be a mother. 

Things got better when I began attending a postpartum support group after I saw my therapist months after my son was born. However, I had to go back to work and a month after going back to work I had to go back to school to complete my last year in my masters program. It's now 2 months since going back to work and I feel I'm slipping back to feeling depressed again. Feeling that I can't do this and having no one to talk to. When people ask me how my son is doing I feel so pressured to be smiling and go on and on how great everything is. I worry if I even give a glimpse of feeling anxious or depressed that people will think I'm a bad mother or selfish. 

I have little to no time for myself. I want me time, but feel guilty that I already spend so little time with my son because of my work and school. I feel so unattractive and to work out to lose the rest of the baby weight, but there is no time. I left work early today to come home to cry for a bit then get ready to go to school. 

I just want this to get better. I really do want to be the best version of myself for my son.