My Story: Jacalyn Scott

#PostpartumConfession | My Story: Jacalyn Scott #breastfeeding #anxiety #motherhood #birth

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be pregnant and be mom. I couldn't wait to have a bump and after we miscarried our first baby at 7 weeks, we were delighted to find out we were expecting again just a month later. 

My pregnancy had a few scares but was rather uneventful! I delivered my beautiful baby boy March 19th, 2015 at 41 weeks after 25 hours of labor. We were able to take our little boy home on March 21st.

I figure that since I was an NICU nurse and worked nights that taking care of a newborn would be no problem! I was incredibly naive! 

I was immediately overwhelmed by all my emotions. I knew that you went through hormonal shift after you give birth but I was totally unprepared for what it would do to me. I remember the first couple days being a blur of breastfeeding, trying to sleep, hot flashes, bleeding, and exhaustion.

I will never forget what my husband and I refer to as the "Tuesday"'. I was sitting on the couch, my son was five days old, and I remember sobbing as I tried to latch my son onto my breast but due to his posterior tongue-tie he was having a hard time feeding. I sat there with my nipples bleeding, my son screaming, myself crying, and my husband crying! I remember looking over at him and saying, "What were we thinking?"

Then I remember looking down at my beautiful baby boy with this primal urge to protect him and immediately feeling bad for ever questioning wanting him. He was my gorgeous little boy, and how could I feel anything but happiness about him? I never had any anger, but just an overwhelming sense of failure that I wasn't doing the best for my baby!

Jacalyn and Boston @ 6 months

Jacalyn and Boston @ 6 months

That day a friend stopped by and she only stayed for about 15 minutes, she sat on the couch and she watched me as I sobbed and then she gave me a hug and went home. Later that night my neighbor, who is a very dear friend of mine, came over to visit. I had a feeling that my friend who had come over earlier, had maybe let my neighbor know that I needed a hug and someone to sit with me. I expressed everything to her about how scared I was that I was feeling my little boy, and she just kept hugging me and kept telling me it would be OK. 

A few days later I went and met with my lactation consultant and they clipped my sons tongue tie. The relief I felt as he latched on properly, the lack of pain, and seeing his little fists unclench as he was finally getting satiated at my breast is something I can never describe. The calmness that washed over his face as he nursed is something I will never forget! 

From then on breastfeeding just got better and better. However, I was finding that my RN knowledge was starting to work against me. I started to question my perfectly healthy little boy. When he arched his back, I immediately thought he had cerebral palsy. When he would stare at the ceiling, I immediately thought he was blind. And when he didn't wake up as I walked by a very loud speaker, I spent all of Mother's Day thinking he was deaf. I sought medicinal treatment for my anxiety, and was put on anti-anxiety pills by my doctor. Since then, although I still worry, it definitely has taken the edge off.

I think every woman will have a "Tuesday" and question if they are meant to be mothers, and if they are doing the right thing. What they need is someone to give them a hug and tell them that it will be OK. That is exactly what I needed - for someone to just give me a hug and tell me I was doing a good job.

Motherhood is the most amazing, rewarding, exhilarating, exhausting thing I have ever done. But I would never give it up for the world. And for every bad day, there are 1000 good days. And I wouldn't change anything!

Jacalyn Scott | Calgary, Alberta | Mama to Boston - 6 Months