My Story: Kendell B

My Story: I had always wanted children more than anything. When someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up my answer was, "mom." The day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I was ecstatic. I had a very happy (difficult, but happy) pregnancy. My boyfriend and I were nowhere near ready, but we worked hard to pave the way for baby. After months of anticipation she was here. 7lbs 10oz abd 21 1/2 inches long...and just breathtaking beautiful. 

After a week in the hospital we made it home. I almost instantly began to resent her...

It was my fault. I hovered, I didn't let anyone else hold her or help me. I even carried her to the bathroom with me. After wanting a baby so long I was terrified to lose her to the point where I lost myself. I cried to my mother that I didn't like her, I couldn't mentally handle the sound of her crying. I was numb. I hated myself for feeling that way about her. I didn't let myself breathe.

By the time she was a year old I officially wanted out. I wanted her father to leave and take her with him because I felt they deserved better than me. I wanted them both to move on and be happy and I wanted to find myself again. Now I'm not sure what changed and how it happened but he convince me to stay. He convinced me that she needed me so I stayed. Over the next year we bonded like never before! We had tea parties, did crafts together, snuggled watching tv and had dance parties.

I opened up to her and let her in a way that I could never open to anyone, I learned to take my "mommy moments" and ask for help if I became overwhelmed. We learned to understand each other. She became my life in a very good way. She is now 4 years old and truly my best friend. Last year my husband and I gave her a brother whom she adores and so do I. I didn't know I was depressed. I didn't know to seek help. I didn't realize postpartum depression could happen to someone that wanted kids so bad not did I realize it could go on so long. I can never get that first year back, I can never make it up to her. I was devoured by depression and now I'm engulfed in guilt. The only thing she and I can do is work to repair and build a relationship. Please don't be ashamed, get help. I'll never get that first year back but maybe I can help someone not lose theirs.

Kendell B | Mama to two: 9 months and 4 years

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