My Story: Rebecca Cook

#PostpartumConfession | My Story: Rebecca Cook #postpartumdepression #pregnancy #motherhood

Initially my story was a happy one and felt like the fairy tale that I wholeheartedly believed motherhood should feel like.

My labour was traumatic, my baby was born with a chest infection, which meant a whole week in hospital.

I can see now that this is where my loneliness began.

I came home to a harsh reality that I couldn't be ME anymore. I looked around at family who adored my baby, but I couldn't feel those feelings. 

I knew that I loved my son, but I didn't like him.

He prevented me from sleeping, socializing and pushed me further away from my partner. I actually didn't mind that - I was so sore and my boobs hurt, but I resented my baby boy because I had completely lost my identity!

I was Mummy, not Becky anymore, I cried and cried every single day. My partner worked away a lot, which just increased my hate for my son. I was surviving on no sleep at all and I found myself in a dark place with a screaming baby.

I can admit that I had an urge to hurt him (which sounds awful!) I would leave him with family and hated it when it came time to pick him up. Even now I find it hard to look at photos of those first few months because I was so unhappy, I didn't see any happiness when I looked at my baby boy!

Now he's my best friend, we've over come a lot of hurdles and it certainly hasn't been an easy ride into motherhood!! But it feels so reassuring to know that I am not the only woman in the world to have had these feelings.

Rebecca Cook | UK | Mama to Harry, age 2