My Story: In trying to take this story telling as a tune to vent things I have kept it since delivery. I had just turned 39 weeks and I scheduled a maternity massage. I was aware my water could break at any time during the massage but never did I expect it to happen so fast! As soon as the massage was over I got dressed and headed out. As soon as I got to my car my water broke. It's felt like I peed myself! After that I still drove myself home because I was scared if I drove to my hospital I would get contractions. I finally arrived to the hospital where I waited for a room. When I finally got into the room I was excited and happy I was going to meet my baby. Unfortunately that changed as soon as I got my afternoon nurse. I was trying to avoid getting the epidural but the nurse was just being so negative about everything. Telling me how I should just get it now because I wouldn't be able to handle all the pain.
After 9 hours of pain I finally decided to give up! I felt devastated! I felt like I couldn't keep my word and I didn't believe in myself anymore. All night the doctor came to check up on me to make sure I was opening which I was. But all my nurse kept saying was how I was going to get a c section! (Which I was terrified of! ) The following morning came and it came time for my morning nurse to check me! She said I had open ended to 9 and she'd call the doctor so he could be here as soon as I opened to 10! (I was already in labor for 22 hours & baby had pooped! )
As I'm waiting for the doctor I start to lose my breath and needed oxygen! And fast! We asked my nurse several times to come and wouldn't! Finally she gave me the mask and I got more relaxed. Finally the doctor arrived! I was so anxious! He checks me and tell me you're only at a 7/8 we need to have a c section ASAP! I was devastated! I began to cry! I had it all in my head that my mom would be with me in my birth birth, that I wouldn't have an epidural and that I would be breastfeeding ! Little did I know none of that went as planned!
I had a c section and I only remember bits and pieces because I was so drugged up! However I do remember finally hearing my baby cry! As soon as I heard him cry it was such relief! They took me into recovery and gave me my baby to nurse. But I was still so drugged up that I was falling asleep and he was slipping out of my hands! This was at 11 AM. I told the nurse I wasn't comfortable and for her to take him so they did. He ended up going to the NICU because he was at risk for infection since he ate poop!
A few hours later I was taken to my room! No cell phone, no numbers nothing! I felt so alone! Finally my mom and boyfriend arrived and told me all about the baby! The next day came and I wanted to see my baby but they wouldn't let me because I wasn't able to walk. I told them I don't know how I got there but I needed to see him. I got wheelchaired into the NICU and that's when I finally met my baby! It was one of the best yet weirdest feelings ever!! I cried and cried! I felt like it was my fault he was in there! I waited too long! I shouldn't have gotten that massage! I should've had the epidural earlier! Everything crossed my head! I felt useless!
Then we had to go back to the room. I am so grateful for my boyfriend and my mom because without them I don't know how or what I would've done! It was time for me to change pads and I asked my bf to take a picture of my cut. I remember clearly seeing that scar and crying...
That scar was ugly.
That wasn't my plan to have a scar like that.. I again felt horrible. He hugged me and told me that was the most beautiful cut because that's where my baby came from. I started bawling even more! I try so hard to hide my sadness. The first week home was the worst! Only because his family wouldn't let me rest! I already felt useless because I couldn't by out of bed because I was scared my cut would reopen and the pain I was feeling. I tried nursing again at the hospital but he wouldn't get a good latch and they offered me a pump to take home so I did! I was religiously pumping every 2 hours and would only get .5 oz from both boobs! I felt horrible! I didn't know what I was doing wrong to go through all of this.. I would supplement with formula and then All I kept hearing from his parents was "you need to breastfeed him".
I had my mom stay over for about 3 weeks to help me around the house and with the baby. When she told me she was going to go back home I felt broken. I thought to myself how am I going to do this alone (my bf was already working again). What do I do when he cries? How am I gonna use the restroom? Everything crossed my mind. To this day I feel horrible for not being able to breastfeed my baby.. I feel like I failed him.
I give props to the girls that breastfeed but I'm also jealous of them. I envy every drop of milk they're able to feed their babies.
However, I don't like how they bash on us formula feeding moms. They don't understand that when they say "only breastmilk for my baby" or "Breast is best" - yes I get it it's best but I couldn't make the supply so now I have to be bullied for it? It hurts! Even as adults we can get bullied! For me I just wish that people were more open to formula feeding mommas - we all have a reason/story behind our powder milk. Ask, don't judge us or think we were too "lazy" to breastfeed. I hope next time around I get rest and I will try to breastfeed again ! But next time you see a mom feeling frustrated, out of place, or even looking a mess tell them and let them know they're doing a great job and they look beautiful !
Stephanie Duarte | Corona,CA | Mama to Jason, 3 months