My Story: This is my ugly truth

My Story: On November 15, 2007 my life changed forever. I welcomed my first child, our daughter, MM. I was 21 and didn't really prepare myself for motherhood or breastfeeding. I skimmed over The Bradley Method book and had a baby shower thrown for me.

That's it.

When my husband and I brought our baby girl home we laid her on our bed and looked at each other like a deer in head lights. "What do we do now?" 

In all honesty, the first month was a blur. I literally was house bound the whole time. That first month was the absolute worst.

M would wake every hour to eat. I got little to no sleep. I wanted to co sleep but my husband refused. My daughter and I would end up falling asleep on the couch together. Looking back, co sleeping would have saved me. 

My breasts were constantly engorged, pumping didn't help and I think we had latch issues. I started to resent my baby. I would wake up angry that I only got 30 minutes of sleep since the last feed.

My breaking point came when my husband refused to get our crying daughter while I was busy in the kitchen and his ass was sitting on the couch.

I threw dishes on the floor, picked a piece of glass and started cutting my hand and arm. I was yelling and crying at my husband, who was freaking out himself. I knew something was wrong. I ran and locked myself in our bathroom and called the first person who I knew could help, my dad.

My husband thought this should have been "handled" ourselves. He was upset I called my dad which made me even more upset. 

My dad came over within 10 minutes and knew exactly what was going on. He encouraged me to take care of myself and go see my doctor. I switched to formula, got off my Yaz birth control and started to enjoy motherhood. 

I never went to see a professional regarding my PPD. I was still too proud. I didn't really think anything was wrong. 

Well, years later and wiser, I realized I was really sick. That having the feelings of resentment towards my daughter and self harm are huge red flags.

Fast forward to July 19, 2014, we welcomed our son. This time I was educated and well informed. I was hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. 

I got PPD again but not as severe and got myself medicated when it got to a point where I knew I couldn't manage on my own. I have also been breastfeeding for 14 months strong.

No one really tells you how it's REALLY going to be after baby arrives. That your vagina is going to feel like it's on fire, your boobs will ache, sleep will be non existent unless you are the lucky one who has a baby that sleeps all night and it's very possible that you will feel like maybe this was a bad idea. 

This is my ugly truth. This may not sound pretty but it's postpartum reality.


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