My Story: Tonight was my breaking point.
Just over a month ago I gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy. I spent the last 2 months of my pregnancy in intense excitement and looked for every possible sign of labor. I was uncomfortable and ready to meet my son.
I walked into the hospital at 6 cm and beyond excited that this was the real thing. I spent 12 hours in labor but stopped dilating at 8 cm. He was too big and I was then sent for an emergency C-section due to his distress.
The C-section was painful. So painful. They had to pull and tug and I was only numb enough to not feel the cutting. I felt everything else. It was excruciating and as I was crying out in pain they were pumping anesthesia into me. Finally I heard him cry, and he was here.
We spent 4 days total in the hospital, and they were the happiest time for me. Although I was in a lot of pain from my surgery and dealing with a mystery fever, I was beyond overjoyed for my beautiful child. I was ready to take him home and begin our life together.
Once my husband started work again, I started feeling anxious. I had to be home alone with this baby. I couldn't hand him to my husband when I needed a break, it was just me. Around this time, my darling baby boy started to be awake a little more. But these awake times were anything but happy. He was constantly in a state of agitation and would remain fussy and grumpy until he went back to sleep, which wasn't easy to accomplish either. I began to dread seeing his wide eyes because I knew for the next hour or two I would be trying to find ways to keep him happy for more than a few minutes.
I began crying whenever he woke up. I got frustrated, begging him to just go back to sleep. I felt ashamed of my frustration. I started having negative thoughts about myself and my child.
Tonight, I finally broke. As my handsome, innocent little boy slept on my chest, I was weeping. I read stories on this site and cried as I related to so many emotions. I finally admitted to myself that I have postpartum depression, and even possibly postpartum OCD.
My husband came home tonight to a broken person and couldn't understand why. I hadn't shared any of my feelings with him yet. Once I calmed down I had a very difficult conversation with him. I don't think he fully understands how I'm feeling, but I know he's here for me. He encouraged me to talk to my doctor and I will. He reminded me of the light at the end of the tunnel. He reminded me that I'm not a terrible mother.
I'm just beginning this difficult journey, but I know it's only temporary and I can rely on my amazing husband for his love and support as I conquer these demons.