My Story: Transverse baby, emergency c-section, anxiety attacks

My Story: The night my son was born was terrible. My husband had been taken to the ER for an SVT and we just got him discharged. We immediately went to the OB/GYN's office to get checked out since I had GD and we were nearing the end of the pregnancy. They checked me and I had nothing going on. I wasn't at all dilated or having contractions, so we scheduled a C-Section for the following Wednesday. We left the doctor's office, grabbed some take out and went home. We started to watch a movie and about 10 minutes in, I had 3 contractions. The third contraction never stopped. There was a lot of screaming and cursing. I knew he was sideways and would not be able to come out. However, if he was in normal position, he would have come out on the way to the hospital. Within an hour of the first contraction, I was fully dilated and prepped for emergency C-section. 

I don't remember hearing him cry. I didn't see him after they got him out, I can only assume that something wasn't right. They did bring him to me in the recovery room, but I wouldn't hold him. I was shaking so bad, that I was afraid I would drop him. I should have known something was wrong, when I wouldn't hold him and I would send him to the nursery every chance I got. I had my first panic attack the day I was supposed to leave, but I didn't know what it was. I was numb from the waist up and made the hospital run a ton of tests before I would let them release me.

After I came home, I felt as if I was drowning. The best way I can describe it, was that I felt like I was buried up to my neck at the beach and the tide was slowly coming in. It was coming to drown me and I couldn't stop it. All I could do was watch it and wait to die. This feeling would be several times a day. I'm so thankful for my four year old. She was little mommy. I pumped and gave her the bottle to feed him. She would entertain him. I was worthless. 

I tried to get back into my normal routine to snap out of it, but it didn't work very good. I would daydream of just leaving the kids with my husband and not coming back for awhile (like for days at a time). I would drive down the road and if I got a small pain, I immediately assumed I was dying then I would worry about how long it would take someone to find my babies if I died and they were alone.

I eventually started therapy, to learn how to cope with the feelings. I never did take the anti-depressants the doctors prescribed for fear that it would numb me to the world and I would never, ever get off of them. I can't remember very much of my son's first year. Honestly, I don't remember hardly anything from the time I brought him home until he was ten months old. I finally started to bond with him when he was about a year old, but he woke up several times at night until after he was 2 years old. It was very hard to not get angry with him when he would wake up for the third or fourth time for the night.

My son is now 3+ years old and we are doing so much better. Lifting weights is my therapy, my workout partner is my unwilling therapist. I take CoQ10, Natural Calm and L-theanine for my anxiety. I still have a panic attacks here and there, but now I can recognize it and think about it logically and they don't happen very often. Sometimes, I just need my husband to listen and let me know it's all going to be okay. I'm so so thankful for everyone who's been so patient with me.

T.S T | Ohio