My Story: We were having a girl Finally, some happiness in my realm of depression. Or not quite.

#PostpartumConfession | My Story: We were having a girl Finally, some happiness in my realm of depression. Or not quite. #suicide #postpartumdepression #birth

My Story: My period wasn't due for 5 more days, but I thought I'd just take a pregnancy test anyways. After only 2 weeks of trying, I was pregnant. I thought I'd be happy, but I vividly remember saying "Oh shit".


For months leading up to my pregnancy, my husband treated me like shit. He was verbally abusive towards me and our 2 other kids, and I thought that this pregnancy would be the band-aid to heal our marriage. 

It just deepened the wound.


I have 2 sons and so I badly wanted a girl. The night of our gender reveal party, I cut into our cake and saw pink frosting!!! We were having a girl!! Finally, some happiness in my realm of depression.


Or not quite.

Thirty minutes after the gender reveal party ended, I got a call that stopped my world. My brother killed himself. How do you go from the highest of highs to the lowest low? You know that feeling when you're climbing up the tallest roller coaster and your stomach is in your throat?


That's how I felt. 


The night I went into labor I hoped, wished, prayed that I would just die. I was so exhausted of pretending to be happy. I would wake up in the morning and couldn't wait to go back to sleep. I wanted to leave my kids with my mom, they deserved better than me.


I started taking antidepressants, and very slowly started to feel better. My family, friends, and support group pulled me out of the water while I was drowning.


Two years after having my daughter, I finally feel good about myself. Please remember that it will get better. You are a good person that deserves to be happy. It will get better, I promise.

Anonymous | Michigan


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