"Why am I upset?" By Jessica Rotier

#PostpartumConfession | "Why Am I Upset?" By Jessica Rotier #sex #motherhood #breastfeeding

I wrote this message to myself back in 2010 after my daughter was born:

Why am I upset?

I do late night feedings, I do early morning feedings, I feed all day long. If she wakes up and wants to eat in the middle of the night, that's me too. I'm dead tired, but I can't nap because I have too much to do. If she's awake, she's probably crying, so I can't get anything done because I have to entertain her. 

My back hurts, my boob hurts BAD, I have heart palpitations all the time because I'm so tired. I don't get to shower. I can't do my hair. I can't do my nails. I don't have time to shave my legs. I'm still bleeding. My boobs leak. My clothes are still tight. I'm disgusting. 

Sex is almost impossible for a number of reasons: It's too late. I'm too tired or he's too tired. My boobs hurt. I wear really sexy breast pads that I have to remove, but then I worry about leaking. I'm too dry or I'm worried about being too dry. I feel gross because I haven't showered (or shaved) in days. I feel fat (because I am). 

On top of everything, I might lose my job. I have a deadline to complete my yearly competencies and if I don't make the deadline, I'm sure they'll send me packing. But I can't find the time to get my work done. 

So, this is why I'm upset.

- As a follow up, everything turned out ok :) -

Jessica Rotier | Waukesha, WI | Mama to Emily, 5 and Henry, 2.